- I can VENT -

I need to do the fucking ChaC.. work again because someone is angry at me for not doing the work lately -_- and here is the best part I LOATH doing that thing, why? who wouldn't anyways when most of the people who ask questions are either stupid, lame or perverts, ain't that fucking lame?!! of course it is! who wants to be asked a millionth times a day questions such as "What is masturbation?" -_- I mean wtf google it.

But guess what again?! I don't have a choice oh wait I do have a choice I can either do it or not do it but I chose to do it because I want to make someone happy, I can just forget about it if I wanted to but NO because I wan't to make someone feel that I do what he wants me to do -_- and here I just skipped doing it lately it makes him roar like its a big crime I did WTF -_- seriously its getting in my nerve AGH!

I know he thinks that I was being lazy but did he ever thought about what else in a day I do? I have a son that I need to take care of and give as much time as he needs, my life doesn't just move around the computer world, you know what I mean? It just ticks me off whenever he gets mad of things that he shouldn't get mad about, it's not like I'm not going to do it I was just giving myself a time to breath so I wouldn't totally just walk away on that job coz like I said its not a very awesome job I mean I know how much he works so hard, hes being a hardworking person and I really really salute that but I just wish for once I hope he stops looking for faults and get angry at me just because of things I didn't do that he wants me to do, he always finds fault in me but for once did he even told me how much he appreciates the little nice things I did? did i ever got a thank you for loving him that much even though he hurts my feelings when hes angry and say mean things at me and still loving him? :shrug:

I love him as much as I love my son, but it makes me sad whenever hes being mean at me AGHHHHHHH ... *breaths in ... breaths out*

Life goes on as they say heh ... and I learned that I can vent when I'm angry coz it helps grrrrrr...


I do miss him though so much :[ and I hate it!

- Balistic Mind -

So I still didn't change a lot :p I still keep thinking of a lot of stuff BUT this time its for a cause and not just some lame stupid crap that will ruin my head *Har Har* good eh? lol, I WANT TO BE COMPLETE as what the centrum commercial says :P haha.. oh yea im so awesome not really thought maybe a little bit >.< fine fine im not awesome Im super awesome lol oh crap just kidding :P

So like I said I want to do a lot of stuff, I thought about what I like and this time I'm going to make sure that I'm going to do something about it not because I'm a big loser :P But because I want to prove that "Hey! I'm capable of doing this " and because I like what I do so why not make it a part of my life right? just like coffee and cream lol..

"I want to learn more God help me! give me courage and knowledge so I may succeed in life"...


NOTE:
Natty is everything ready? :)

- Life is Free -

So I've been making a lot of thinking lately, I questioned myself "why?" over and over again and I prayed a thousand prayers probably like million gazillion and I just realized that I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of this bullshit negative thoughts that runs in my head every now and then, I'm tired of people manipulating my life, I'm tired of keeping silent inside, I'm just tired of not being happy.

I realized that I deserve to be happy and not sad, I deserve to be respected as a human being, as a person in this fucking universe, I deserve to do and be what and who I am no matter the circumstances because by doing that it makes me the person who I really am inside and the kind of person that I wanted to be, I don't want much though I am a simple person who wants a simple peaceful life, is that so hard? answer is NO only if I'll keep on thinking only the positive things in life, the good things and not the bad.

So What I learned? I learned that I just need to try to be as happy as I can be and not to think too much negative evil stuff, I try to do what makes me happy and give love as much as I can, of course love is limited though :P it's exclusively for chosen people [ like my husband, son, parents, siblings, chosen friends and relatives] I try to keep myself busy on doing something not to tire myself but just to accomplish something good or nice for that day. I try to love myself again because I learned that if I can't love myself then it won't be easy to give love to others, and I learned that prayer will always help you no matter what.

I used to pray before I sleep way back like everynight its like a routine but I stopped praying sometime ago because I was foolish and became lazy to even say thank you God, but now I learned that God is powerful, He loves you no matter what but sometimes He needs to teach you some lesson in order for you to realized that "Hey! What am I doing? I need God in my life" yeap reality check :] so yeah I think God hit my head on the wall for me to realized that I was not doing the right thing, funny but true.

So whats going on with me now? Here I am learning to love myself again, learning to be happy again and I realized that life is wonderful you just gotta open your eyes and like really see it, I'm not saying that life will always be easy but hey that's what makes life wonderful because along the way trials that thrown in our life no matter how small or big it is it's what makes us the person that we want to be, it makes us realize that "Hey! I want to be this and not this!" you know what I mean? :P

So I guess little by little I'm getting cured, not exactly totally cured but I'm getting there and I'm glad!

- A little change is good -

SO my hair kinda have some highlights and its color pink not really pink but fuschia or something anyways heres a pic, tell me what you think ...

- Burn out -

It's been awhile since I post something here, I probably missed a lot of stuff already and I already break the 365 days posting HAH guess I can't make it due to some more important stuff other than the 365 days posting, although I think its a nice thing to do but maybe this is not yet the right time for that and that I have to focus on some more important serious matters thats includes taking care of my family.

Anyways, So I was wondering a lot lately asking myself if am I really happy? I mean I know I am but sometimes I feel like I'm not, I feel like I don't know where I'm going in life, I don't know what I really want although I do know I want my family don't get me wrong because I love my son so much and I love my husband but am I really happy?

I feel so burned out lately, keep on thinking negative things even though I try not too, I'm trying to be the person I used to be but I don't know where to start, I feel so sad lately too much to the point where I go so depressed and I cry too much lately too and I don't like it. I know life is what we make it but why can't I conquer this stupid negativity that runs in my head? I feel like they're controlling me instead of me controlling them.. I feel like I'm starting to lose my sanity :( agh what to do what to do??